i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
