god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
