marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
