its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
