and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
