I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
