i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
