I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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