Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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