Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
