M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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