your parents love me but you hate me
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
