im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
