It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize