: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
