I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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