wakey wakey hands off snakey
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
