Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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