Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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