I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
