so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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