Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
