you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
