Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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