Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just invented taco cereal.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
