I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
