we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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