Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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