Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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