walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize