Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
