shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
