Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
