Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
