why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize