Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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