Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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