and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
