I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
