I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
