He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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