i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
