alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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