No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
