omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
