I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize