Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize
