I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
