Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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