phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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