Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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