I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
