Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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