You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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