I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
