so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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