If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
