No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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