I will die if light touches me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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