Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
