im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
