my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
