Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the liver wants what the liver wants
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
