We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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