God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
