Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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