why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
