Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
