I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
